However, small children growing up in severely neglectful or abusive homes develop an over-functioning inner critic that over-reacts, over-criticizes and abuses us to the point of dissociation collapse, self harm or sometimes even explosions or moments of violence onto ourselves or others around us. 

Our sense of self is not able to develop healthily in such an abusive home. Parts of us hide. Parts of us over-function to keep us safe. We absorb the harsh abusive and rejecting words in our home environment. They are internalized and fester because there is no one there to comfort most children in these environments. There is no one there to tell you’re special, you’re loved, you’re doing a great job and provide the nurture that we need. Some clients share confusion because they were given compliments and told they were loved, but these were often separate from the abuse. Most often, the abuse was not acknowledged.

Because these harsh and abusive words fester, they grow in us like a cancer and the voice gets meaner, harsher, more specific and more convincing. It no longer feels like a ‘voice’ and it feels like the truth.

The voice often tells you that you’re awful, horrible, stupid, pathetic, deserve to be shamed, rejected or undeserving. The voice also convinces us that people close to us are not to be trusted. We grow into adults who don’t know how to safely or vulnerable communicate our needs or feelings because our inner critic and years of unprocessed abuse and betrayal have taught us that no matter how safe someone appears, they could abandon, betray or humiliate you at any moment. The adult child often remains stuck in patterns of isolation and pain because trusting themselves and others becomes scary or feels unrealistic. 

There is hope. You don’t have to go through it alone.